My friend Cooter from the south just bought a brand new 2003 Honda Rancher esR and he is HEAVILY modifying it. So far he has type R badges, a Polaris transmission, Cannibal fuel injection and a double barrel karberator off his Ford Torino.

The Polaris transmission's front sprocket was hacked away with the gas axe so it's front wheel drive only. This is way better because it's now ike a japaneese car, seeing how they are faster than anything else ever. It keeels space shuttles until mach 36.

I raced him on my friend's piped/bored/stroked/ported/turbo'd Raptor with the Magnesium frame and single A-arm front suspension... Damn, it's fast. I tried racing him on my friend's old Powerwheels and he BLEW me away.

We lined up after I called out his American Tranny and karberator. I called them antique dinosaurs and he got real pissed and his neck vein popped out. It was crazy, he puts too much viniger on his fries I keep tellin him... BUT DOES HE LISTEN???? argh... Once a Tick started sucking his blood and died from viniger poisoning instantly.

he hopped on the Rancher and it bottomed out instantly seeing how he weighs 700 pounds. You may have seen him on the Jerry Spring show, they lifted him out of his living room with a forklift. That sh*t was knutz! He pulled the rope (converted to pull start: weight reduction level 47) and all was silence in the entire valley at the sound of an exhaust note similar to the noise of a thousand swarms of killer bees!

I got the Raptor going with a removable electric starter and it sounded awesome! Totally the best 4 stroke I've ever heard! Did I mention this machine is so light you can lift the entire thing with your pinky?

So we were throwin some revs out (This Raptor will stall if kept at idle for more than like two seconds) and the tree lit up... Red, yellow... Damn, Cooter unplugged it... Back to red, yellow... Finally, green at last! I pinned it and quickly shifted to second (first isn't to be used that long because it's too low for this engine) and the 28" paddles hooked up like nothing.

The stock Rancher tires were covering me and the Raptor in roost from head to toe... I was eating dirt, but I couldn't see where it was coming from...

Before long it was over, and I was at a lost... Damn Raptor! I need a Honda! 400EXs are on sale (300 bucks) at the local dealer... I think they cost more before... I'm not sure... I don't know why they want to get rid of them so fast...

So the moral of the story is that the Raptor is salooooooooooow! Same goes with the Quadzilla, TRX250R, Tecate 4, LT250R... The list goes on.... The future is now! The Ranchers, TRX400EXs, Rubicons and Grizzlys will always eat them up.

Next week: Lil' Bow Wow on his Raptor gets his *** handed to him by me on my little cousin's (from Mexico) LT80.