I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the neighborhood watch program. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of my front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on eBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving the $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
In addition, I bought myself burkas to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security is hesitant to pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, i just say that I identify as a woman today.
Safe at last!