On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

 

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Classes start interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
9. You believe "Two hands and just one mouth... That's a drinking problem."
10. When you enter a party people shout, "Norm!"
11. You can focus better with one eye closed.
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. Beer, Beer, Beer... is all you can say after the 12th one.
15. If you keep asking your wife, "Where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife. She's actually your couch.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning that your liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. You had your "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, and replaced it with "Red Dog."
20. 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner.
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood they ask what proof it is.
25. Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after biting you.
26. You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk because you walk in the pattern: Left, right stumble fall.
31. You wake up in the bedroom, but your underwear is in the bathroom and you fell asleep clothed.
32. When you tell people, "I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
33. You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
34. When you tell people, "I'm not drunk... You're just sober."
35. Even rednecks stops doing jokes about your drinking.
36. You find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
37. When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool.
38. Roseanne looks good.
39. You don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
40. You like the Barney socks you're wearing.

 

OLD FARTS

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "
No," he replied, "arthritis."

 

When someone applies for Child Support, the proper procedure is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way..... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check outnumber 11........... it takes the prize and #3 is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.



4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.


6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.


7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.


8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.


9. >From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.


10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Golden Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer, and he's the
best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search. "Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the first man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say...that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Retriever sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Wow. That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says the first man.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real biatch tonight, Dave."

 

Greeting Cards

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.



Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"



Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.



I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.



I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.




As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.



Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.



Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.



We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?



I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.



So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

 

God Bless the U.S.A.

Mexican Earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada-is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia--is sending oil.
All Other Latin American countries--are sending supplies.
The European community--(except for France)is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America

 

Why don't mexicans teach their kids sex education and drivers education on the same day?


It's too hard on the donkey.

 

Subject: Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked, and the previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know, that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my dear friends, is how "policy" is born.