Heart broken.
Sep 10, 2005 | 01:53 PM
#71
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Joined: Jan 2003
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Heart broken.
Originally posted by: SCOUNDREL
Craig,
When my wife and I separated 8 years ago I read off a list of everything I gave her, you know, a big house, cars toys, furniture, clothes, jewelry, etc, etc.....She looked at me with a puzzled look and responded with......"But nothing was for my heart".....
It hit me like a ton of bricks....Those 6 words woke me up to the real problem. The material things were not important to her. It was the emotional things.
I have learned to do the simple things that strengthens her heart.....A call from work to tell her I lover her, a single red rose set to her work, a kiss as soon as I get home. LISTEN to her when she complains ( It usually meant she was hurting about something completely unrelated) I have made it a crucial part of my coming home from work to seek her out before anything else and give her a kiss. I have taught the kids that this is what Dad is going to do so don't get in the way. Now when I come home they just point and say " Mom is over there !!"....
I can't emphasize enough that it's the simple things that make the difference.
Craig,
When my wife and I separated 8 years ago I read off a list of everything I gave her, you know, a big house, cars toys, furniture, clothes, jewelry, etc, etc.....She looked at me with a puzzled look and responded with......"But nothing was for my heart".....
It hit me like a ton of bricks....Those 6 words woke me up to the real problem. The material things were not important to her. It was the emotional things.
I have learned to do the simple things that strengthens her heart.....A call from work to tell her I lover her, a single red rose set to her work, a kiss as soon as I get home. LISTEN to her when she complains ( It usually meant she was hurting about something completely unrelated) I have made it a crucial part of my coming home from work to seek her out before anything else and give her a kiss. I have taught the kids that this is what Dad is going to do so don't get in the way. Now when I come home they just point and say " Mom is over there !!"....
I can't emphasize enough that it's the simple things that make the difference.
But please lets not forget that its not true for everyone, and there are still plenty of women (and men too) that were never really in love with you, but just all your possesions, potential and the comfort of stability and status.
I have been with and seen more than one who was more interested in the various material type things than all the love in the world. Not saying its normal or that most didnt have over "issues" but those who put these things as a priority in the beginning of the relationship though still finding comfort in the "loving" would still be having similar priorites later down the road.
None of us are perfect and everything changes including our needs and desires over time, and sometimes people just change in a way that they no longer find comfort or excitement with each other etc, and we all know the results (divorce or living unhappy).
Still hope everything works out and from how popular this thread is I see many others are wishing you well too.
Sep 10, 2005 | 01:59 PM
#72
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Heart broken.
Originally posted by: ANNIHILATER
Lets not sugar coat this people. You MUST realise there is 2 weeks out of the month that "some" women go insane.
Its usually 1 week before there menstrual cycle and the week during, you HAVE to realize why they act this way (no its not your fault all the time).. Its a fact proven thats why there is midol and such. Now during this "peroid" time they can conjure up a MILLION reasons why you are worthless and how they think the grass is greener on the other side. YET in the normalcy period of the month the woman are perfectly fine. Some poor fellas dont realize this and blame themselves and get caught up in the periodic blame game. Dont get me wrong, There are exeptions for these situatons.. If a man is truely neglecting his women and she has a legit complaint thats another story, you know you have neglected and thats why you go the extra mile to appease your good women. But if A women violates and takes advantage of a honest man it is hard to forgive. Would you rather live with someone you cant trust and say "yeah work it out" Get counseling. Deep down inside it is torturous for the average guy to have to rebuild trust for the rest of his life always stressing..
Alot of girls have been honest with me and told me up front that they are not too socially acceptable a week or 2 out of the month. I admire this honesty and thats the kind of honesty that deserves a flower occasionally. If your lady thinks the grass is greener, Tell her to go and graze....
Disclaimer- this does not apply to ALL wemon, just 99.993% J/k
The wemon who are past the mid life cycle, and shouldnt have periodic depression.. Well, there just trying to re-live the moment.
Lets not sugar coat this people. You MUST realise there is 2 weeks out of the month that "some" women go insane.
Its usually 1 week before there menstrual cycle and the week during, you HAVE to realize why they act this way (no its not your fault all the time).. Its a fact proven thats why there is midol and such. Now during this "peroid" time they can conjure up a MILLION reasons why you are worthless and how they think the grass is greener on the other side. YET in the normalcy period of the month the woman are perfectly fine. Some poor fellas dont realize this and blame themselves and get caught up in the periodic blame game. Dont get me wrong, There are exeptions for these situatons.. If a man is truely neglecting his women and she has a legit complaint thats another story, you know you have neglected and thats why you go the extra mile to appease your good women. But if A women violates and takes advantage of a honest man it is hard to forgive. Would you rather live with someone you cant trust and say "yeah work it out" Get counseling. Deep down inside it is torturous for the average guy to have to rebuild trust for the rest of his life always stressing..
Alot of girls have been honest with me and told me up front that they are not too socially acceptable a week or 2 out of the month. I admire this honesty and thats the kind of honesty that deserves a flower occasionally. If your lady thinks the grass is greener, Tell her to go and graze....
Disclaimer- this does not apply to ALL wemon, just 99.993% J/k
The wemon who are past the mid life cycle, and shouldnt have periodic depression.. Well, there just trying to re-live the moment.
Very interesting points [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]
I cant remember where I first saw this and I am sure I am missing much of it but its interesting anyhow and fits your post.
The basic idea was that women are not human, and how could something that could bleed for an entire week straight without bleeding to death possibly be human, and how we men try to figure out and live with these aliens without any idea of who they truely are.
You could take that as crazy and a sexist joke as I did originally or think about it a little and understand how truely unpreparred we are for what were getting into when we say those two words that change our lives forever.
Sep 10, 2005 | 02:21 PM
#73
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Joined: Feb 2004
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Heart broken.
440EX026,
You are a very wise person. I would just like to praise a few things you said ....
"there are still plenty of women (and men too) that were never really in love with you, but just all your possesions, potential and the comfort of stability and status"
Its a sad thing, but some people marry for lots of different reasons, but if the love is not there, thats a mistake. Sometimes people get married because they feel they wont be accepted in society if they are not. Getting married without truely loving your spouse, and saying that you are in love, is a huge mistake - it will not only affect your spouse, but affect kids, and other family members throughout the rest of your life.
"None of us are perfect and everything changes including our needs and desires over time, and sometimes people just change in a way that they no longer find comfort or excitement with each other etc, and we all know the results (divorce or living unhappy)."
Even if you love someone when you get married, things can change - People are free to change. Im not sure living unhappy is what God had planned for us. Unfortunatly, sometimes its a matter of choosing what will make us, our kids, and our ex-wife less unhappy.
You are a very wise person. I would just like to praise a few things you said ....
"there are still plenty of women (and men too) that were never really in love with you, but just all your possesions, potential and the comfort of stability and status"
Its a sad thing, but some people marry for lots of different reasons, but if the love is not there, thats a mistake. Sometimes people get married because they feel they wont be accepted in society if they are not. Getting married without truely loving your spouse, and saying that you are in love, is a huge mistake - it will not only affect your spouse, but affect kids, and other family members throughout the rest of your life.
"None of us are perfect and everything changes including our needs and desires over time, and sometimes people just change in a way that they no longer find comfort or excitement with each other etc, and we all know the results (divorce or living unhappy)."
Even if you love someone when you get married, things can change - People are free to change. Im not sure living unhappy is what God had planned for us. Unfortunatly, sometimes its a matter of choosing what will make us, our kids, and our ex-wife less unhappy.
Sep 10, 2005 | 04:49 PM
#74
Extreme Pro Rider
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 3,859
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Heart broken.
I got a buddy on the forums on his 4th marriage - he's never let any of them keep him down. he's like the energizer rabbit, just keeps going, and going, and going.....and smiling every step of the way.
one thing I tend to stick by though - don't take advise from people who have multiple failed marriages. if they had it all figured out then they wouldn't have so much experience. hell I even know one guy at work who has been married to the SAME chick 3 times, and on the 3rd and final divorce the State told him that he will no loner be allowed to marry her again!
one thing I tend to stick by though - don't take advise from people who have multiple failed marriages. if they had it all figured out then they wouldn't have so much experience. hell I even know one guy at work who has been married to the SAME chick 3 times, and on the 3rd and final divorce the State told him that he will no loner be allowed to marry her again!
Sep 10, 2005 | 05:53 PM
#75
Trailblazer
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 71
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Heart broken.
Originally posted by: Hightower
I got a buddy on the forums on his 4th marriage - he's never let any of them keep him down. he's like the energizer rabbit, just keeps going, and going, and going.....and smiling every step of the way.
one thing I tend to stick by though - don't take advise from people who have multiple failed marriages. if they had it all figured out then they wouldn't have so much experience. hell I even know one guy at work who has been married to the SAME chick 3 times, and on the 3rd and final divorce the State told him that he will no loner be allowed to marry her again!
I got a buddy on the forums on his 4th marriage - he's never let any of them keep him down. he's like the energizer rabbit, just keeps going, and going, and going.....and smiling every step of the way.
one thing I tend to stick by though - don't take advise from people who have multiple failed marriages. if they had it all figured out then they wouldn't have so much experience. hell I even know one guy at work who has been married to the SAME chick 3 times, and on the 3rd and final divorce the State told him that he will no loner be allowed to marry her again!
Seriously though you might want to consider taking a personality profile. We did this at work as part of an excercise to help our management work better together. I was super suprised on how well they could zero in on how different people think and why certain personalities just will never get along. Our goal was to simply work together but if a Type A and a Type C were to live together it would probably not work out in the long run.
Read this http://www.personalitypage.com/high-level.html
Sep 11, 2005 | 04:39 AM
#77
Pro Rider
It's official, I've been duning for over 30 years.
It's official, I've been duning for over 30 years.
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,063
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Heart broken.
Craig, I'm praying for you man, it sounds like she really blindsided you.
I work in a mill that at one time had something around a 75-80% divorce rate amongst the workerforce. At the time it was the highest paying in the area, helping to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. When I hired on I was one of the youngest guys and people were always giving me advice. One story that stuck was was a guy who worked toprovide his family with the biggest house of all his friends and family, private schools, college and cars for his kids and numerous other niceties he recounted. When he explained to his wife all he had done for them, all the opportunites he had provided, she said "but you were never there for us".
That story probably didn't translate too well but it really stood out to me.
I've never been in your situation, thank God, but I've watched friends go through this. I've a friend whose story is similar to yours. His ex constantly waffled and kept his hope up until he finally had to give her an ultimatum. I think those times she held out some hope of getting together were harder for him than her asking for the divorce in the first place.
Be strong, it sounds like there is some great support and advice on this forum.
I work in a mill that at one time had something around a 75-80% divorce rate amongst the workerforce. At the time it was the highest paying in the area, helping to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. When I hired on I was one of the youngest guys and people were always giving me advice. One story that stuck was was a guy who worked toprovide his family with the biggest house of all his friends and family, private schools, college and cars for his kids and numerous other niceties he recounted. When he explained to his wife all he had done for them, all the opportunites he had provided, she said "but you were never there for us".
That story probably didn't translate too well but it really stood out to me.
I've never been in your situation, thank God, but I've watched friends go through this. I've a friend whose story is similar to yours. His ex constantly waffled and kept his hope up until he finally had to give her an ultimatum. I think those times she held out some hope of getting together were harder for him than her asking for the divorce in the first place.
Be strong, it sounds like there is some great support and advice on this forum.
Sep 11, 2005 | 01:41 PM
#78
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Joined: Sep 2004
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Heart broken.
Wingnut
I have been where you are now,... all I can say is stay the course, it sounds to me like you are doing everything right! It is not easy when your life as been dumped upside down... but I can say from experiance that the pain will go away. keep your head up
I have been where you are now,... all I can say is stay the course, it sounds to me like you are doing everything right! It is not easy when your life as been dumped upside down... but I can say from experiance that the pain will go away. keep your head up
Sep 12, 2005 | 01:30 PM
#79
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,252
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Heart broken.
OregonDunePatrol Thanks for the kind words [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]
As much as I would like to think I am wise or whatever, I tend to only think of myself as being observant and able to see between all the "static".
Actually I think many people can do practically anything they want if they try hard enough, but seeing and listening tend to be overlooked a lot in todays way too fast paced society. It gets even harder when you looking inwards at yourself or a relationship your involved with, and trying to fix or improve something that your unable to see clearly is diffilcult at best.
Problem is that for the most part life requires so much attention that if you spend it just looking you may miss more than you see.
Just hope that showing another angle or view could help our fellow atv'er to be better preparred for whats infront of him.
As much as I would like to think I am wise or whatever, I tend to only think of myself as being observant and able to see between all the "static".
Actually I think many people can do practically anything they want if they try hard enough, but seeing and listening tend to be overlooked a lot in todays way too fast paced society. It gets even harder when you looking inwards at yourself or a relationship your involved with, and trying to fix or improve something that your unable to see clearly is diffilcult at best.
Problem is that for the most part life requires so much attention that if you spend it just looking you may miss more than you see.
Just hope that showing another angle or view could help our fellow atv'er to be better preparred for whats infront of him.
Sep 12, 2005 | 05:44 PM
#80
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Joined: Jan 2005
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Heart broken.
“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
“You don't marry someone you can live with; you marry the person who you can’t live without.”
Love has very little to do with a successful marriage. Marriage is work, allot of work. The old saying "the honeymoon is over" has allot of truth to it. If you think about how many women you've loved how many would you have married? not many I'm sure. It takes something more then love to make a marriage work for the long term. It takes balance, sacrifice, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness and faith. People constantly change along with their view points on life especially as we get older and it was said that people grow apart. I disagree. People don't grow apart, their views and aspirations do but only because they stop wanting the same things. A strong marriage is when two people see this and work at balancing the two views into a single common belief. The phrase "“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” comes to mind.
Find a successful marriage, one that has endured time and you will find two people who recognize the value of give and take and the ability to cherish their partners’ imperfections.
“You don't marry someone you can live with; you marry the person who you can’t live without.”
Love has very little to do with a successful marriage. Marriage is work, allot of work. The old saying "the honeymoon is over" has allot of truth to it. If you think about how many women you've loved how many would you have married? not many I'm sure. It takes something more then love to make a marriage work for the long term. It takes balance, sacrifice, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness and faith. People constantly change along with their view points on life especially as we get older and it was said that people grow apart. I disagree. People don't grow apart, their views and aspirations do but only because they stop wanting the same things. A strong marriage is when two people see this and work at balancing the two views into a single common belief. The phrase "“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” comes to mind.
Find a successful marriage, one that has endured time and you will find two people who recognize the value of give and take and the ability to cherish their partners’ imperfections.