OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
#11
09-29-2003, 10:03 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.”
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, “Ma'am I see you're from Florida.”
The old lady comments, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'” The old lady nods her head, “Yup.”
The trooper mutters, “Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of a$$ I ever had in Florida.”
The old lady replies, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”
#12
09-29-2003, 10:06 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two *****."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two *****."
#13
09-29-2003, 10:15 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
An Air Force General, Marine General and Navy Adrmiral are standing around bragging about who's servicemen has the biggest cojones...
The Air Force General says "Air Force airmen have the biggest cojones, watch this...." He yells at a nearby airman, "Airman go lay down in front of that landing aircraft!!!!" The airman says "Yes sir General" and immediately jumps up, runs over and lays down in front of the landing aircraft and gets run over. The Air Force General says "See, I told you they had the biggest cojones".
"That's nothing" says the Marine General, "Watch this...". He yells at a nearby Marine as he pulls the pin on a grenade, "Hey grunt, throw yourself on this grenade!!". The Marine says "Yes sir General! "Hoooraaa" and dutifully jumps up and dives over onto the grenade which blows him to bits. The Marine General says "See there, I told you Marines had the biggest ba**s".
The Navy Admiral says "That was pretty impressive but I have to tell you both that the Navy men have the biggest ba**s". The two other generals are stunned and say "Prove it!!"
The Admiral says "Ok, watch this". He spots a sailor up on the mast of a ship and yells to him "Sailor!!! Jump down off that mast right now!!!!" The sailor looks at the Admiral and says "F*** you Admiral!!!!"
The Admiral turns to the others and says "Now THAT took cojones!!"
[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img] [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img] [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]
Ex-Navy ET [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]
The Air Force General says "Air Force airmen have the biggest cojones, watch this...." He yells at a nearby airman, "Airman go lay down in front of that landing aircraft!!!!" The airman says "Yes sir General" and immediately jumps up, runs over and lays down in front of the landing aircraft and gets run over. The Air Force General says "See, I told you they had the biggest cojones".
"That's nothing" says the Marine General, "Watch this...". He yells at a nearby Marine as he pulls the pin on a grenade, "Hey grunt, throw yourself on this grenade!!". The Marine says "Yes sir General! "Hoooraaa" and dutifully jumps up and dives over onto the grenade which blows him to bits. The Marine General says "See there, I told you Marines had the biggest ba**s".
The Navy Admiral says "That was pretty impressive but I have to tell you both that the Navy men have the biggest ba**s". The two other generals are stunned and say "Prove it!!"
The Admiral says "Ok, watch this". He spots a sailor up on the mast of a ship and yells to him "Sailor!!! Jump down off that mast right now!!!!" The sailor looks at the Admiral and says "F*** you Admiral!!!!"
The Admiral turns to the others and says "Now THAT took cojones!!"
[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img] [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img] [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]
Ex-Navy ET [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]
#14
09-29-2003, 11:34 PM
#15
09-30-2003, 01:15 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
A few things you should never tell a cop when you get pulled over:
"I thought cops were supposed to be in good shape"
"Hold my beer while I get my drivers liscense"
"Your not gonna look in the trunk are you?"
---------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he saw a 1 foot tall man playing a tiny piano while another man took money from people as they walked past.
The first man asked the other " where did you get that little man?"
The second man answers "I have a lamp with a genie in it and he gave me a wish"
The first man says " let me wish for something"
The second man says "are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure" replied the first.
"Very well" said the other man
So he pulls out the lamp and rubs it and suddenly a genie appeared.
The first man says " genie, give me a wish"
So the genie asked him what he wished for.
"I wish for a million bucks" said the man.
"very well replied the genie" and disapeared.
Then suddenly a million ducks apeared on the sidewalk.
The first man turned to the second and said " I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!"
the second said "you think I asked for a 12 inch long pianist?"
[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]
"I thought cops were supposed to be in good shape"
"Hold my beer while I get my drivers liscense"
"Your not gonna look in the trunk are you?"
---------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he saw a 1 foot tall man playing a tiny piano while another man took money from people as they walked past.
The first man asked the other " where did you get that little man?"
The second man answers "I have a lamp with a genie in it and he gave me a wish"
The first man says " let me wish for something"
The second man says "are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure" replied the first.
"Very well" said the other man
So he pulls out the lamp and rubs it and suddenly a genie appeared.
The first man says " genie, give me a wish"
So the genie asked him what he wished for.
"I wish for a million bucks" said the man.
"very well replied the genie" and disapeared.
Then suddenly a million ducks apeared on the sidewalk.
The first man turned to the second and said " I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!"
the second said "you think I asked for a 12 inch long pianist?"
[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]
#16
09-30-2003, 03:47 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, it is three o'clock in the morning. He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not; it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
His wife asked, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, it is three o'clock in the morning. He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not; it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
His wife asked, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
#17
09-30-2003, 04:03 PM
#18
09-30-2003, 04:03 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose?
Now, think about it........ready? READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU
SURE????????
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 azz, 1 beaver, an unknown number of
hares, and a fish no one can find.
=====================================
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She
raises her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she points to
all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "what man here will buy a
lady a drink?"
The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, a droopy eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter
and bellows, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns
to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asks again, "What man here will buy a lady a
drink?"
Once again, the same drunk slaps his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "I say, old chap,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
keep calling her 'the ballerina?'"
"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replies, "any woman who can lift
her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
=============================================
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam,
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, NO other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.
#19
09-30-2003, 05:50 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
#20
09-30-2003, 05:54 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
Oxymoron's
Act naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service
Act naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service