OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
#51
10-02-2003, 12:32 AM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
a young man is walking down the road in kentucky he sees an old man raking his yard. he stops & asks the old man if he can use his restroom. the old man replies i dont have a bathroom all i have is the outhouse out back but your welcome to use it. the young man goes in & comes right back out. he asks the old man sir you dont have any tissue in here. the old man says sonny you do your business wipe your a$$ with your finger stick through the hole in the side I guarantee it licked clean. the young man gets a puzzled look on his face but decides he cant hold it any longer. he goes in does his business wipes his a$$ with his finger & sticks through the hole. the old man is standing outside takes 2 bricks & smashes the guys finger. instantly the young man pulls his finger in & sticks it straight into his mouth. he comes out spitting & cussing. the old man looks at the young man says i told you sonny guaranteed licked clean.
#52
10-02-2003, 03:58 AM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
Subject: Golfer
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.
What did you do? Asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that.
===============
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?" "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Newspaper read...
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
======================
Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it
true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causin' people to get
cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the lawyer.
"And people are suin' the fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and
cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true,
mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women
I been wakin' up with."
==========
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.
What did you do? Asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that.
===============
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?" "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Newspaper read...
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
======================
Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it
true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causin' people to get
cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the lawyer.
"And people are suin' the fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and
cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true,
mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women
I been wakin' up with."
==========
#53
10-02-2003, 04:21 AM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
A WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I think of the creeps you've sent me instead.
Amen
A MAN'S PRAYER:
Send me a live one.
Amen
===========
A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY City,
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.
Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth
between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window
and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed
about all the New Yorkers making her the butt of so
many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle
of the freeway and she's threatening to douse herself in
gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband
is running around on her more than ever and the
Democrats told her to forget about the presidency in
2004. So we're taking up a collection for her."
The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got
so far?"
The officer replies
"About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still
siphoning."
==============
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
==============
The only seat available on the train from London to Paris was directly
adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being
used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I
need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
Little FiFi is using that seat, No?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are
you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog,
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The
woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and
chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up
indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for
doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the
wrong (female dog) out the window."
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I think of the creeps you've sent me instead.
Amen
A MAN'S PRAYER:
Send me a live one.
Amen
===========
A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY City,
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.
Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth
between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window
and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed
about all the New Yorkers making her the butt of so
many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle
of the freeway and she's threatening to douse herself in
gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband
is running around on her more than ever and the
Democrats told her to forget about the presidency in
2004. So we're taking up a collection for her."
The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got
so far?"
The officer replies
"About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still
siphoning."
==============
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
==============
The only seat available on the train from London to Paris was directly
adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being
used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I
need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
Little FiFi is using that seat, No?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are
you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog,
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The
woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and
chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up
indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for
doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the
wrong (female dog) out the window."
#54
10-02-2003, 12:00 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH
> > > > SUNGLASSES ON AND
> > > > POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW
> > > > DOWN.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > 2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM, DON'T
> > > > DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
> > > >
> > > > 3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING,
> > > > ASK IF THEY
> > > > WANT THAT
> > > > SUPER SIZED.
> > > >
> > > > 4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL
> > > > IT "IN."
> > > >
> > > > 5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS.
> > > > ONCE EVERYONE HAS
> > > > GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO
> > > > ESPRESSO.
> > > >
> > > > 6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE
> > > > "FOR SEXUAL
> > > > FAVORS.."
> > > >
> > > > 7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE
> > > > WITH THE
> > > > PROPHECY."
> > > >
> > > > 8. DON'T USE PUNCTUATION
> > > >
> > > > 9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > 10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.
> > > >
> > > > 11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS
> > > > "TO GO."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > 12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.
> > > >
> > > > 13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS
> > > > DON'T RHYME.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > 14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA &
> > > > PLAY A TAPE OF
> > > > JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.
> > > >
> > > > 15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU
> > > > CAN'T ATTEND
> > > > THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.
> > > >
> > > > 16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR
> > > > WRESTLING NAME,
> > > > ROCK HARD
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > 17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM
> > > > "I WON, I WON!
> > > > 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"
> > > >
> > > > 18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS
> > > > THE PARKING
> > > > LOT, YELLING
> > > > "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > 19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE
> > > > ECONOMY, WE ARE
> > > > GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."
#55
10-02-2003, 05:13 PM
#56
10-02-2003, 06:47 PM
#57
10-03-2003, 05:57 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!
#58
10-03-2003, 05:58 PM
OT: A post dedicated to jokes, one liners, or ANYTHING funny!!!
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
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