It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

 

well I think BLASTERDEVIL2 and BALLZ should be the official commedians of this site.

 

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my ***** on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

 

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

Hillbilly/Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a hillbilly/redneck couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1...2...3....4....5...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

The following list of rules applies to each person as they enter Oklahoma:
Learn 'em & remember 'em. (Some of these rules probably apply to many other states too [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img] )

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I need to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust
on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-35 goes north
and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed.
We have quarter-million dollar air conditioned tractors.
We drive them 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the
time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi
& caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the
first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to
everyone, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three
spices: salt, pepper, and Pace Picante Sauce.
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown,
wet, served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my
house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a
truck, and have long hair.
13. High School Football is as important here as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to
watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water
hazards - it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try O.U. or O.S.U. (By the way,
OSU doesn't mean Ohio State)
They come outta there with an education, a love for
God, country, and they still wave at passing pickup
when they come home for the holidays.
16. There are more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines, Air
Force than any other state. "Don't Mess with Okla." If
you do, it will get your butt kicked by the best.
17. When folks in Oklahoma talk about having a PhD
they're talking about their Post Hole Digger

 

I second that!!

 

how do you casterate a hillbilly?









kick his sister in the jaw