The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three wh0res in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!!

 

Three ladies, with boyfriends all named "Leroy" were at a bar when one of the ladies said, "I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy. Why don't we all name our Leroys after a soda pop? The other two ladies agree, and the first lady jumps in and says, "OK, then, let me go first.....I name my Leroy '7-UP' !" The other two ladies jump in and ask her, "Why 7-UP?" "Because my Leroy has 7 inches and it's always UP!" All three ladies holler and hoot and slap each other on the back, when the second lady says, "OK, I'm next....and I name my Leroy 'Mountain Dew' !" The other two ladies ask, "Why Mountain Dew?" "Because my Leroy can Mount and Dew me anytime!" All three ladies proceed to holler and hoot and slap each other each other on the back. The third lady then stands back and starts thinking and says, "You know, those two Leroys were good....but I'm gonna name mine Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? that's not a soda pop....that's a hard liquor!" The third lady shouts, "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

 

Two peanuts walk into a rowdy bar.
One was assaulted.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you." said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
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Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down.
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed???"
"No, because he's really, really heavy."
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I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, and when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A fsh.
************************************************** *******
NO GROANS ALLOWED

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of my people in my tribe have nipples." she replied.
"That is amazing." said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied... We're called...


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The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred!!~

 

Crisco

There was an older woman wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crissssco!"

Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, "Madam, the Crisco is on
Aisle D."

The woman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, no, no! I only call him that when we're in public," she said.

Curious, the clerk asked, "Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard @$$," she replied.

 

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is 80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it"

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said "these girl's night out have to stop. My wife came home with no panties!!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her *** that said "from all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you."

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman ! You've no knickers--why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit!!!"

 

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own %&^$*#*$ blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted!

 

A good ol boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking
buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly
as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants
and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby
darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before
proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble
his way to bed.

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find
his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say:
"You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:
"Now hon, why would you say such a mean thing."

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the
bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house and
your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those band aids stuck on the
downstairs mirror."

 

Ohio Drivers

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Ohio driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Ohio during rush hour.

8. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Ohio driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Ohio is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Ohio to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

12. Remember that the goal of every Ohio driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

13. In the Ohio area, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite Ohio salute. This gesture should always be returned.